Skydiving Post #2 (What was going through my head)

So this will be another post about skydiving and what goes through your head and how your body reacts to the sensation. Honestly, it is difficult for me to stop talking about this because it is the single greatest feeling I have ever experienced.

There is a really a series of emotions that are going on leading up to, during and after a successful skydive.

The night before was probably the most uncertain I have felt in my life. I kept thinking about how I could get out of doing it without looking like I was afraid. And honestly this is nothing to be ashamed of as it is jumping out of an airplane. And for all the safety measures taken, it is still a very dangerous activity. Which would probably make people ask why other people do it?

I imagine the answer is different for everyone when they are asked why they do something that can be fatal if something goes wrong. Most people don't intentionally do things that can be fatal if something goes wrong. And let's face facts, skydiving fatalities are not pleasant. Death would most likely be instantaneous upon impact (if you're lucky) but it certainly is going to be messy. That being said, the truth is there is probably no simple answer as to why people skydive. I can't honestly say why I did the first time. I say first time because I know why I want to do it again. Because it was so much fun and such an amazing feeling.

But  back to the night before, I had the thought going through my head that I could die tomorrow and what that might mean for my friends and family. And honestly, death was not something I was ready to accept. Once I got that out of my system, I went to bed and probably slept the most calmly I have ever slept in my life. There was a feeling of contentment present that had not been before. And also probably because I wanted to be well rested and very alert during the actual skydive and I think on some level my body knew that because my brain was telling it that was what needed to be done.

So then came the morning I went for the skydive. I ate breakfast and had been chugging lots of water so as to avoid any possible dehydration. Just prior to heading to the drop zone, I ate an apple just to keep something in my stomach since breakfast had been about a couple hours prior and my metabolism is so insanely high. The previous nights fear gave way to anxiousness, but no so much of an nervous anxiousness but an eager anxiousness. Part of me was excited and the other part of me wanted it to be over.

So I get to the drop zone which is really a five minute drive from my house and check in at the desk. I am then taken to a little room to watch a video about what the skydive will feel like and various instructions that I need to follow. The video I guess was about 30 minutes. After watching the video, I had to read and sign several legal forms that acknowledged I knew what I was about to do was very risky and could be fatal. I also had to sign my life away essentially. What this means is that if I died, the drop zone would not be held responsible in the possibility of equipment failure that resulted in my death. If there was a moment that I was going to back out, this was that moment. It is one thing to know what you are about to do can be fatal, but to have it spelled out for you on a piece of paper and acknowledge it by signing your name can be one of the toughest decisions to make.

So I go back to the desk and give them the signed forms and they tell me that my name will appear on a whiteboard shortly with the name of tandem master. I went to the bathroom a lot while waiting because I had drank so much water and honestly I was really not wanting to pee myself when jumping out of a plane. So then the whiteboard shows up with my name and my instructor Joe. I ran to the bathroom one more time just to be sure.

When I came back out, I met up with Joe and he strapped me into the harness. Which was nerve wracking because it fit really loose. Don't get me wrong, it was tight as it could be but it was still loose. There were two major concerns I had about doing this. I was less concerned with parachute failure and hitting the ground and more concerned with slipping out of the harness or my lungs collapsing due to the sudden rush of air that would be forced into my chest. This has been known to happen because I researched prior to the jump which is likely why I had a fear of that happening.

So I am in the harness and Joe has the rig on which contains the parachute and we wait. And we just sort of idly chatted a bit and talked and maybe got to know a few things about each other. After all, this is the guy I am trusting to save my life. At this point, he is my best friend!! He commented on how I was not nervous at all and I told him how I got that out of my system the night before and now I was just ready to go.

So now my cameraman Mico who is going to document this whole thing for me introduces himself and he interviews me before we get in the plane. It is nerve wracking to have someone ask you if there is anything you would like to say to friends and family when you are about to jump out of an airplane. Because this could be the last thing you get to say to them. 

After the interview, Joe gives me a rundown of what to do once we are in the plane and what to do on exit of the aircraft. He will repeat this several times during the flight to make sure it is drilled into my head. As I get into the plane, I begin to start about how I am getting out of the plane. By this point, I am no longer thinking about backing out. I came this far so my thought was I am going to do this and go all the way. The plane ride up was strangely calm. It was though I had accepted what I was about to do and on some level accepted that I could die doing this. There is a tranquil feeling in that which is really difficult to describe.

So as we reach about 7,000 feet and Joe begins strapping me to his harness and all the looseness of my harness goes away and suddenly becomes super tight!! There was no getting out of this thing, slipping out or otherwise. After I am all hooked up to Joe, he goes over the instructions one more time and gives me my goggles to wear during the skydive.  So we are now at jump altitude which is 13,500 feet and they open the door of the plane.  The wind suddenly rushes in and feel a sudden burst of excitement and fear. I can see the ground and the clouds. I've flown in a plane before but never with a door open so this was a strange new experience. 

One jumper looks out and observes the sky for a minute or two which I am guess is checking to see if it is safe to jump. Then they start jumping out. There were four jumpers ahead of me and they all go out. I think this is the coolest damned thing I've ever seen. They fall so fast they were out of view in a matter of seconds. Then it is my turn! MOMENT OF TRUTH!

I start inching slowly towards the door sliding on my butt as Joe instructed me to do and BOOM, the plane hit some turbulence and almost turned on it's side. I AM AT THE DOOR!! If Joe had not been holding on to the rail, we would have likely gone out! This is when I am having second thoughts and thinking maybe this is a sign I should not be doing this. Joe informs that we will circle back around and try again. So we start moving back away from the door. After a minute, we are ready to go again and start moving towards the door once more. Mico, my cameraman climbs to the outside of the plane and just hangs there. Joe and I get to the door. I look down and see my shoes hanging into nothing. I then look at Mico, and then I feel I slight push and suddenly I am out in the open air.

This felt like being hit with a ton of bricks!! And I'm terrified!! It's cold up there, I'm falling through the sky and the only thought going through my mind is 'I'm going to die'. I was very convinced I was going to die! In a matter of minutes my life will be over. And I'm scared out of mind. I have no idea what to do. There was nothing I could do at this point. One way or another, I am going to touch the ground either violently or softly. And my one of my biggest fears is starting to be realized because the air is rushing into my mouth so quickly that I'm using every ounce of my strength to force it back out. 

THEN THE ADRENALINE KICKS IN!!

And while I am still convinced that I'm going to die, I suddenly don't care or worry about it at all anymore. At this point I am having the time of my life. I am Superman at this point. I could fight a bull and win just because of the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My arms are out there in the wind, I'm making all sorts of funny gestures to Mico who is now about 6 feet away from my face. And I was just enjoying every minute of it and loving the experience of free falling at 120 miles per hour. Then I see Mico start increasing his distance from me and I'm not even thinking about that I am strapped to Joe. Then I feel a sudden tug on my body and I'm upright again and no longer in free fall. The loudness of the wind has given way to the most quiet sound in the world. It is insanely quiet! That is the most quiet I've ever heard anything in my life. And I'm just loving it!! It takes a minute or two for me to even realize the parachute opened and I am now floating safely back to the earth.

There is no better way to describe it than I am at total peace. I am unattached from everything but the sky and have the most amazing view that anyone could ever hope to have. I can see my town while hanging in a harness strapped to a fabric designed to slow my descent. I can look down and see my feet hanging into open space and it is the best feeling on earth! There are no more worries or concerns but just pure contentment. And we slowly begin approaching the ground which I did not even notice was getting closer until it was right up on me. And we floated safely to the ground and slid in on our butts and my feet were back on the ground safely and I lived to tell the tale. But my head was in the clouds. And it remains there. There is something about skydiving that is the ultimate in fear and the ultimate knowing peace. Nothing matters when you are up there but you and the sky. I was completely free for 6 amazing minutes. No worries, no pain, nothing is wrong. Everything is right and absolutely as it should be and the closet to perfection anyone could ever become. There is a peace in that can never be explained and the best understanding of everything and the perfect moment of clarity. Falling from the sky and floating safely back to the earth is for me the truest form of everything making sense.

And after that, there is the realization that if I can jump out of an airplane, there is nothing I can't do.

Touching the sky!!

So I deleted this blog and have undeleted it to maybe start it back up again. The reason it was deleted is because what the original intent of the blog was has changed dramatically. The reason why it has changed dramatically is because on some level my life has changed dramatically. In the sense that I have given up on thinking I have my life figured out or what I am going to do with it personally and professionally.

So let's go over the events of the 2013 that have lead me to where I am now.  The year started off rather scary with the discovery of a tumor on my ear that thankfully turned out to be benign. I've never been a person who has been afraid of dying and frankly have been closer to it than most people will ever be in their lives. But if I do not fear dying the one thing I do fear is how I will die. That is something that always stuck with me and a tumor that could be cancerous was not high up on my list of ways to die. At least that is what I thought. Strangely when I was first told about the tumor, I really was not afraid of it as much as I thought I would be. I really had not thought of what would happen if it was cancer and what that might mean for me in regards to my health.

It was almost as though I had accepted my fate and the possible outcome. Now this was 4 months from going on a trip to Rome that I was very much looking forward to and the thought of not going due to something that was out of my control like a potential life threatening illness was not something I could take. So if anything when I found after the removal and biopsy of the tumor that it was benign I breathed a sigh of relief. Not because I was not going to become incredibly ill but because I was not going to live to keep doing things I wanted to do that I had put off for far too long.

Now I have had my share of life changing experiences but most of them began to fade with time and as people often do they sink back into complacency. Getting a tumor was not the shock out of complacency that most people would think it would be.

So what was?

Something that I've always wanted to do but honestly never really had the courage to do. Skydiving. This was one of those things that I always talked about wanting to do but was probably never going to actually do it. Sure talking about it sounded cool but I knew in the back of my mind I would never actually do it. That was until one day when I just decided to go for it. It was like the perfect chain of events and all pushed me right to it.

It's hard to express what it feels like, but I will spare the aspect of the science of it and yes there is a science to it as far as how you position your body so you are not spinning out of control. But that is where I leave the science and the physics of it behind.

The feeling is what is important. That is the moment and the ONLY moment in my entire life that I ever felt truly free!! Falling towards the earth at 120 miles an hour is terrifying and thrilling all in the same moment. It's rare that people can experience utter fear and exhilaration together. And the freedom it brings!!

Skydiving is truly a great way to have the single most incredible moment of clarity! You aren't think about anything in your life that may be going wrong or even right. You are only thinking about that you are falling through the sky. And once the adrenaline kicks in, the fact that you could die doing it no longer matters. It is one thing to be afraid of dying and it is another to do something willingly that could kill you and no longer find it terrifying. That is the most intense 45 seconds anyone could ever experience. And then that chute opens and what was once loud rushing wind racing past you has no become the most peaceful and quiet sound there is to hear!! 5000 feet off the ground and floating back safely under a parachute is the most peace I imagine anyone could feel. And when your feet touch the ground and you land, there is no feeling like knowing that you did something that should have killed you and you lived to tell the tale.

What I have gathered is that most people look at skydivers and feel they some sort of death wish. After having done it, that could not be further from the truth! Skydivers have a life wish! That is the most alive I've ever felt and it lasted for weeks!! I can never explain why I felt that way but it is what it is. Some could call it the adrenaline and all the energy that comes from jumping out of a plane. And there is a lot of energy that will be present after jumping and landing safely. But really it is the feeling. It is the feeling of touching the sky and the absolute freedom you have in your life when you are in freefall. The peaceful feeling comes not from the quiet sound under the parachute but from the realization that have you freed yourself from all the boundaries, limitations and learned to truly let go and not worry about the things that are not in your control. Life is always something to be lived, enjoyed, cherished, and when your time is up... it is better to look back on it with a sense of accomplishment rather than regret. 

So that is why I have realized that I am no longer thinking I have my life figured out on a perfect little road map. It is going to be chaotic, out of control, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, but it will be a worthwhile to me and without regrets. I always used to tell people that the only certainty in life is that one day we will all die. But I never really believed it myself.  I always thought that everything I want to happen will happen. But now I realize maybe for the first time that I won't get everything I want out of life. But for everything I do get out of life will not make it any less of a life because of the things I did not get. And oddly it took putting my life in real danger and jeopardy to finally understand that. And from this day forward I will always be looking at my life at all the things I accomplished and not focus on the failures and the things I did not get.

I have touched the great blue sky and will always be touching the sky! :-)