So I have to get this off my chest. I went to the barbershop today to get haircut because it's been months and I was started to look to have some crazy Einstein hair happening. I've been going to this barbershop since I was a kid, and only one of the barbers I like and the other one... not so much. Well today, the one I don't like is the one cutting my hair. He asked me what I was going to school for and I told him. Unlike the other more encouraging barber, he asked if I actually planned on making a career out of being an animator and I said, well yeah! This douche bag actually started laughing at me. He then basically went on to say how tough it was, and it's never going to happen, blah blah blah. He then asked where I went to school and I told him. I also told him they were online courses because I can't afford to attend the school on campus. He then started berating me for taking online courses because it's not "real school". The fucking hell it isn't. It is damned real school and it's probably 10 times harder because there is no direct or real time interaction with an instructor. Also, it was the school that intrigued me the most and many if not all of their instructors are either working or have worked in the industry.
Case in point.
Advanced Animation Instructor: Steve Segal- Character Animator for Pixar. Worked on Toy Story and A Bug's Life. Continued working for Pixar doing game animations. Created his own studio. This guy freaking knows his stuff, let me tell you. I've learned more from him in 5 weeks than I have in the past 2 years.
Fundamentals of Texturing and Lighting Instructor: Howard Gersh- Texture Artist for ILM and worked on all 3 of the Star Wars prequels.
Perspective Instructor: Leonard Ng - I can't even begin to remember all the video games this guy has done concept art for. He's been around.
So anyway, back to the point. This stupid barber then goes on to talk about the film "Secondhand Lions" and how it was based on a book. This I know because it was written by Cormac McCarthy. One of my favorite authors. He then talks about how the author was at one point an animator and became an author. WRONG!!!!!!!! Cormac McCarthy has no point ever been an animator and always been an author. Geez, if people are going to try and insult me, at least do your homework. Secondly, this guy certainly doesn't have the right to be like this towards me. He does not know me personally, he is not a close friend, a relative or anything of the like. He cuts my hair for god's sake.
Now where I start getting really pissed is when he starts saying I'll never make it because there is no animation in Indiana. WRONG AGAIN!! There is actually a very large animation community in Indiana. It's actually a pretty big damn deal in this state. Also, I have no intention of any kind of staying in this state. Los Angeles is most likely where I'm going to be living in the future. Which brings up another thing that bothers me. I live in a very small town. The kind of town that people don't escape from. This is a town where you walk around and see a bunch of older folks talking about how they would have liked to have done this and that but never did. This creates resentment towards those who actually have the potential and ability to escape this town. The people who live here never succeeded at anything or even tried and as such, they don't want anyone else who lives here to succeed either. I swore to myself when I was a kid that I would not live in this town my whole life and would move on to better things and I won't hesitate to leave everything behind in an instant. I know this because a couple of months ago, I came very close to getting involved in a relationship with a girl in a nearby town and when she said she was content to live here forever, I simply told her, "well I'm not so you don't fit with my plans". That is how serious I am.
But I'm also actually glad this guy did what he did, because all he really did was add fuel to my fire to become a great character animator.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A small representation of what I love to do
This is where I make it all happen. Where all the things in my imagination, my child like qualities, my nature, and my love occur. This is where all my animation, 3D modeling, and texturing is done. Take note of Belle sitting on the printer and Buzz Lightyear hanging out in front of the monitor. :-)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Just awesome!!
So yeah, I've been a bit post happy lately so this will be the last for a while but when I find something as cool as this, I have to show it somehow. So, anyone who knows me knows Tool is my favorite band of all time and Adam Jones (guitarist) is a major inspiration to me as an animator. Tool's videos have never featured any of the band members and have always been done with animation of some kind with the exception of one. I stumbled across this and thought it was incredible. Though not done by Tool but a devoted fan, it is damn good!!!
Blood, sweat, and tears
So, animation has to be by far the funnest profession anyone could ever choose. But ultimately at the end of the day that fun comes from a natural love towards what animators do and we may in fact be a truly under appreciated lot. The truth about animators is that we rarely sleep (at least the serious ones don't). One of my mentors in animation once told me that the ones who truly love it are the ones up at 4 am and when asked what they are doing, they simply respond working on my animation. It's quite true. One of the many inspirations I have is John Lasseter who everyone should know (animator or not) once slept under his desk for an hour each night while working on a project for Disney. The story goes that his car didn't leave the lot for 2 weeks. This is the dedication great animators have for what they do. As much fun as it is, there is a lot of blood, sweat, and tears involved. It takes extreme patience, lots of sleepless nights, and you HAVE to love it. There are times when we animators want to pull our hair out because we just can't get that arm to go in the right place or that hand to slap down the right way but we keep at it until we get it right. And there will always be someone higher up in the pipeline that will want you to change what you have done and redo days of work. This is in short the life of the animator, and I for one would not want it any other way. So if anyone out there should stumble across this, take a good long look at this photo and see what goes into being a computer animator. This is the graph editor and what computer animation really looks like. All those movements, walks, talks, jumps, bounces, this is it right here.
We do this because we love it, but what we do also gives everyone else joy and happiness. We are the unsung heroes. We are the ones behind the scenes creating the magic. So, the next time anyone out there sits down to watch an animated short or feature, take the time out to appreciate all the hard work, the blood, sweat and tears that goes into those films you love.
We do this because we love it, but what we do also gives everyone else joy and happiness. We are the unsung heroes. We are the ones behind the scenes creating the magic. So, the next time anyone out there sits down to watch an animated short or feature, take the time out to appreciate all the hard work, the blood, sweat and tears that goes into those films you love.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Hylians know how to party
So for all you Goron, Zora and Hylian lovers out there, more Zelda goodness is happening all about the land of Hyrule. There is much awesome artwork on the interwebs and many goodies to be found. Here I will share some of my own artwork that I did for my fave game series. This could be truly classified as a labor of love as it took hours upon hours upon days upon weeks. All the work was solely done by me from the modeling to the textures to the lighting and it took an eternity to render. Working out a rig just to make her ponytails move was a challenge in of itself. The biggest downside is that all the work and models were lost in what I call the great computer crash of 2010 and would have to be rebuilt. So here is my tribute to The Legend of Zelda and a dedication to the most beautiful princess in all of Hyrule (don't be hatin Midna lovers) and can still kick ass right along side our green pointy hatted hero.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Travel back in time Zelda style
Yeah, so in honor of the anniversary of the best damned game series ever to grace the world I post this. An orchestrated version of the final boss music that played in OoT. Only the most epic battle of any Zelda game to this point. Time for a trip down memory lane. So I'm playing the game in my usual relaxed style, running around like a crazy Hylian all over Hyrule, gathering up rupees, smashing pots, kicking some major scary monster ass and I finally reach Ganon's tower. I'm thinking this is it. The culmination of hours of gameplay and here I am, at last. I get through the tower, save Zelda, finish off Ganondorf (or so I thought) and escape with all body parts intact. Then as Zelda and Link are about to make with the celebration of a battle well fought, the distant rumble occurs in what remains of the tower. I go to check it out and out pops Ganondorf who unleashes all his power and turns into the most frightening incarnation of his pig like form EVER!!! And naturally the music is cued as Ganondorf transfigures himself into the damned scary Ganon. At that moment I went from relaxed and chill, to Ah shit, I'm bout to get my ass kicked!! What made this fight so eerily creepy was the music, the atmosphere, and that big damn boar looking thing trying to make Link into meat pie! I'd be lying if seriously didn't consider dropping the controller and running for the hills. So, here it is, the creepiest piece of music to the creepiest boss battle in all of Zelda history. It still sends chills up my spine.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Life on the border
I am going to do something I usually don't do and get personal. This past week has been pretty damned rough to get through and to the outsider looking in, what they see is a happy person standing in front of them. What they don't know is this is a lie. To even type what I am about to type is difficult to do because I all want to do is hide it from the world. It will in fact take several minutes before I even type it as I'll sit and contemplate whether or not to actually type the words. Which is part of the problem.
What many people don't know about me is that I am a person diagnosed with what clinicians call borderline personality disorder. Some of my closest friends who are in fact few and far between and sometimes to me don't exist at all don't know. To the ones that do know, the response when I tell them is generally the same. They always look at me and say "well, that explains a lot" as though they somehow can understand. The truth of the matter is they can't understand. The even more truth of the matter is that people who don't have it can never understand just how deep it goes. I don't even fully understand it and I live with it everyday. I constantly struggle with who I am and something always triggers an episode. The episodes can range from anything to feelings of extreme anger to severe depression to loneliness and emptiness. Where I get really truthful and something that only a very few select are aware of is that I have seen a padded cell from the inside.
One of the most common traits of a borderline are the mood shifts that happen suddenly and without reason except in the mind of the borderline, which are very often imagined. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) lists 9 criterion which are used to diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder which I'll put below.
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. 2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Now the thing about BPD is that it covers such a broad range that it is diagnosed more often than it should be with a patient only having 6 or sometimes very few of the criterion. I was diagnosed with BPD after meeting all 9 of the criterion for the diagnosis. This diagnosis was not handed out easily as many psychologists like to avoid it due to it's broad range. The diagnosis was only given after checking my personal, family, and relationship history as well. My psychologist certainly was not going on just the criterion and would at times intentionally set up triggers for an episode to further help with the diagnosis. A borderline sees things only in black and white with no gray area of any kind. To a borderline, someone is either all good or all bad. In other words, a borderline either hates or loves someone, there is no in between, and these feelings are far more intense than that of a "normal person" My psychologist would often do either good or bad things or more truthfully what I perceived as good or bad to trigger this emotional response. For instance, during my stay in the "hospital" he told me I would be allowed to leave the next day and when the next day came, he did not let me leave. He did this purposefully to test my emotional range. The day he said I could leave I praised him to everyone, the following day when he said I couldn't, I expressed my anger and subsequent hatred of him outwardly. I mention this not only to show the steps taken for the diagnosis but also because this is an example of what life is like for a borderline. It doesn't stop. Ever. Meds don't help, at least in my case. It's a struggle everyday and I have to deal with it everyday. I have to force myself out of bed and have continually have to find a reason to go on.
Borderlines could be described as the perfect people to represent the "self-fulfilling prophecy". We fear abandonment, and will do anything to prevent it from happening. Our attempts to prevent it are generally the cause of the abandonment, either real or imaginary. Or any some cases, we abandon people before the can abandon us. As stated at the start, I have been having a rough week and suffered a few episodes, I've lashed out at coworkers for no reason, avoided my friends, ignored many of them, and this worst part of it all is that I can't even begin to attempt to explain why. The biggest thing that gets me as well is that I struggle to understand all of this, but at the same time want someone else to understand as well. This is the real struggle.
I also do this so that perhaps others who are dealing with what I deal with everyday or who have friends who are dealing with it, this will help them to understand it better. At the very least, watch this video. It certainly deeply effects me and in someway helps.
What many people don't know about me is that I am a person diagnosed with what clinicians call borderline personality disorder. Some of my closest friends who are in fact few and far between and sometimes to me don't exist at all don't know. To the ones that do know, the response when I tell them is generally the same. They always look at me and say "well, that explains a lot" as though they somehow can understand. The truth of the matter is they can't understand. The even more truth of the matter is that people who don't have it can never understand just how deep it goes. I don't even fully understand it and I live with it everyday. I constantly struggle with who I am and something always triggers an episode. The episodes can range from anything to feelings of extreme anger to severe depression to loneliness and emptiness. Where I get really truthful and something that only a very few select are aware of is that I have seen a padded cell from the inside.
One of the most common traits of a borderline are the mood shifts that happen suddenly and without reason except in the mind of the borderline, which are very often imagined. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) lists 9 criterion which are used to diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder which I'll put below.
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. 2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Now the thing about BPD is that it covers such a broad range that it is diagnosed more often than it should be with a patient only having 6 or sometimes very few of the criterion. I was diagnosed with BPD after meeting all 9 of the criterion for the diagnosis. This diagnosis was not handed out easily as many psychologists like to avoid it due to it's broad range. The diagnosis was only given after checking my personal, family, and relationship history as well. My psychologist certainly was not going on just the criterion and would at times intentionally set up triggers for an episode to further help with the diagnosis. A borderline sees things only in black and white with no gray area of any kind. To a borderline, someone is either all good or all bad. In other words, a borderline either hates or loves someone, there is no in between, and these feelings are far more intense than that of a "normal person" My psychologist would often do either good or bad things or more truthfully what I perceived as good or bad to trigger this emotional response. For instance, during my stay in the "hospital" he told me I would be allowed to leave the next day and when the next day came, he did not let me leave. He did this purposefully to test my emotional range. The day he said I could leave I praised him to everyone, the following day when he said I couldn't, I expressed my anger and subsequent hatred of him outwardly. I mention this not only to show the steps taken for the diagnosis but also because this is an example of what life is like for a borderline. It doesn't stop. Ever. Meds don't help, at least in my case. It's a struggle everyday and I have to deal with it everyday. I have to force myself out of bed and have continually have to find a reason to go on.
Borderlines could be described as the perfect people to represent the "self-fulfilling prophecy". We fear abandonment, and will do anything to prevent it from happening. Our attempts to prevent it are generally the cause of the abandonment, either real or imaginary. Or any some cases, we abandon people before the can abandon us. As stated at the start, I have been having a rough week and suffered a few episodes, I've lashed out at coworkers for no reason, avoided my friends, ignored many of them, and this worst part of it all is that I can't even begin to attempt to explain why. The biggest thing that gets me as well is that I struggle to understand all of this, but at the same time want someone else to understand as well. This is the real struggle.
I also do this so that perhaps others who are dealing with what I deal with everyday or who have friends who are dealing with it, this will help them to understand it better. At the very least, watch this video. It certainly deeply effects me and in someway helps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)