Friday, March 25, 2011
Madness is like gravity... all it takes is a little push
Yeah. I feel like I'm totally cracking. So I've posted before about a little issue I have known as BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it's really rearing it's ugly little head this week. I'm currently in state where I don't want to do a damn thing. I'm pretty much not interested in going to work, going outside, or going anywhere for that matter. I just want to stay in this little shell and avoid everything and everyone. Which is sort of the problem. People with BPD are by their very nature lonely creatures because they shut themselves off from the outside world, and in my case all attempts to make friends are failing and all the friends I thought I had have not contacted me in months. I literally have not received a single phone call or text message from anyone in those many months. No phone calls or texts to say what's up? or hey, how you doing? I'm going mad from an absolute lack of human interaction. And the only thing that can really keep my mind off of anything is not possible with my computer being serviced at not being able to do any animation. In BDP terms, these moments that set off the episodes are referred to triggers. Well this week, it's really been one trigger right after the other and I'm just about to break and I can feel it getting worse. It's difficult also because anyone I have interacted with such family is starting to distance themselves because they all start getting that, 'uh oh, the ticking time bomb is about to go off' look and that just triggers me even further. If they had half a clue about anyone with BPD is that they don't really hurt others so much as they hurt themselves. That just sort of sets me off more than anything else. I don't think people will ever really get it. They are too busy passing judgment or pretending to think they know what is going on, but they know nothing. I'm at the point where I really just want to give up and throw in the towel.
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Oh Andy I hope you're feeling better!
ReplyDeleteI can relate, not because I have BPD, but because I have had an illness for 5 years that has kept me very isolated, and it is an illness that many doctors don't even understand. I'm an "HSP" highly sensitive person, and have CFIDS and fibromyalgia, which was so awful during grad school because I could only take half the animation classes that I wanted to. That is why I moved out to Colorado, because I couldn't take the high intensity of LA, and my phone also stays very quiet. I have some amazing friends in LA but they are all very busy persuing their animation careers.
I have some great books to recommend, if you can take any time away from animating.
"Loving What Is" Byron Katie
"Steering by Starlight" Martha Beck
"A Return to Love" Marianne Williamson (Also wrote "The Gift of Change")
These books helped to ground me in reality, and helped me sort through emotions that can get me stressed out and sicker.
I am so happy you are waist deep in animation, because pursuing your passion is a huge asset to dealing with any problem.
Thank you so much Jenny!!
ReplyDeleteI did some research on fibromyalgia when I read a post of yours just as you were moving to Denver. I had only heard of it and didn't really know much about it or what it was. I think you are a really strong person. You are probably a far stronger person than I am.
It's interesting that you are an HSP because in many ways it is sort of similar to BPD with the highly sensitive aspect. The high intensity of L.A. is something that does worry me, because I can crack so easily and get easily agitated in areas where I know there are large numbers of people. But it know it is something I can over come just like how you are overcoming your illness. I admit though I sort of dislike the term illness because it sounds negative. I like to call them hiccups. :-)
I will certainly look into the books. I have two major loves. Animation is one, and reading is the other so taking time away from animation to read is time well spent. Animation also helps because it gives that outlet to take things that are emotionally or physically hard to deal with and creates a place to focus all of those feelings. I think that is one of the many reasons why I love it.
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