So I deleted this blog and have undeleted it to maybe start it back up again. The reason it was deleted is because what the original intent of the blog was has changed dramatically. The reason why it has changed dramatically is because on some level my life has changed dramatically. In the sense that I have given up on thinking I have my life figured out or what I am going to do with it personally and professionally.
So let's go over the events of the 2013 that have lead me to where I am now. The year started off rather scary with the discovery of a tumor on my ear that thankfully turned out to be benign. I've never been a person who has been afraid of dying and frankly have been closer to it than most people will ever be in their lives. But if I do not fear dying the one thing I do fear is how I will die. That is something that always stuck with me and a tumor that could be cancerous was not high up on my list of ways to die. At least that is what I thought. Strangely when I was first told about the tumor, I really was not afraid of it as much as I thought I would be. I really had not thought of what would happen if it was cancer and what that might mean for me in regards to my health.
It was almost as though I had accepted my fate and the possible outcome. Now this was 4 months from going on a trip to Rome that I was very much looking forward to and the thought of not going due to something that was out of my control like a potential life threatening illness was not something I could take. So if anything when I found after the removal and biopsy of the tumor that it was benign I breathed a sigh of relief. Not because I was not going to become incredibly ill but because I was not going to live to keep doing things I wanted to do that I had put off for far too long.
Now I have had my share of life changing experiences but most of them began to fade with time and as people often do they sink back into complacency. Getting a tumor was not the shock out of complacency that most people would think it would be.
So what was?
Something that I've always wanted to do but honestly never really had the courage to do. Skydiving. This was one of those things that I always talked about wanting to do but was probably never going to actually do it. Sure talking about it sounded cool but I knew in the back of my mind I would never actually do it. That was until one day when I just decided to go for it. It was like the perfect chain of events and all pushed me right to it.
It's hard to express what it feels like, but I will spare the aspect of the science of it and yes there is a science to it as far as how you position your body so you are not spinning out of control. But that is where I leave the science and the physics of it behind.
The feeling is what is important. That is the moment and the ONLY moment in my entire life that I ever felt truly free!! Falling towards the earth at 120 miles an hour is terrifying and thrilling all in the same moment. It's rare that people can experience utter fear and exhilaration together. And the freedom it brings!!
Skydiving is truly a great way to have the single most incredible moment of clarity! You aren't think about anything in your life that may be going wrong or even right. You are only thinking about that you are falling through the sky. And once the adrenaline kicks in, the fact that you could die doing it no longer matters. It is one thing to be afraid of dying and it is another to do something willingly that could kill you and no longer find it terrifying. That is the most intense 45 seconds anyone could ever experience. And then that chute opens and what was once loud rushing wind racing past you has no become the most peaceful and quiet sound there is to hear!! 5000 feet off the ground and floating back safely under a parachute is the most peace I imagine anyone could feel. And when your feet touch the ground and you land, there is no feeling like knowing that you did something that should have killed you and you lived to tell the tale.
What I have gathered is that most people look at skydivers and feel they some sort of death wish. After having done it, that could not be further from the truth! Skydivers have a life wish! That is the most alive I've ever felt and it lasted for weeks!! I can never explain why I felt that way but it is what it is. Some could call it the adrenaline and all the energy that comes from jumping out of a plane. And there is a lot of energy that will be present after jumping and landing safely. But really it is the feeling. It is the feeling of touching the sky and the absolute freedom you have in your life when you are in freefall. The peaceful feeling comes not from the quiet sound under the parachute but from the realization that have you freed yourself from all the boundaries, limitations and learned to truly let go and not worry about the things that are not in your control. Life is always something to be lived, enjoyed, cherished, and when your time is up... it is better to look back on it with a sense of accomplishment rather than regret.
So that is why I have realized that I am no longer thinking I have my life figured out on a perfect little road map. It is going to be chaotic, out of control, sometimes sad, sometimes happy, but it will be a worthwhile to me and without regrets. I always used to tell people that the only certainty in life is that one day we will all die. But I never really believed it myself. I always thought that everything I want to happen will happen. But now I realize maybe for the first time that I won't get everything I want out of life. But for everything I do get out of life will not make it any less of a life because of the things I did not get. And oddly it took putting my life in real danger and jeopardy to finally understand that. And from this day forward I will always be looking at my life at all the things I accomplished and not focus on the failures and the things I did not get.
I have touched the great blue sky and will always be touching the sky! :-)
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